When love fails us

When love fails us, in our perception and from a space of our wounded ego, we start to put our walls up. It is like the great towers just come up on their own. The only obvious irony here is that we simply trap ourselves. We make ourselves a prisoner inside our own ego’s. Albeit the greatest emotion of all our lives, equally the most painful is love. Your connection will trigger you in ways that you never ever thought it could. You may find your thoughts even sounding crazy if you put up a microphone, turn up the volume and listen to it’s words, pictures, stories and many scenarios. I have found that when hurt in love, most of us will retreat and as I said earlier on build those towers of protection up high. It seems easier to protect the ego than to have that confronting conversation with the one you love so much, yet cannot reach out to. It feels easier to avoid and pretend that nothing is wrong so that you can just have one more day where you can hide within yourself, trapped and fear ridden that if you were to fully express yourself, would you still be loved? Would they leave you? Would they think it was all too much? Would they be yet another one that initiated a perceived abandonment upon you? And so the days go by, which become weeks and then months and that hostility becomes your norm. You both start treating each other like you don’t care. Its as if that other person doesn’t really matter even if you made love to them all night. The next morning you are both strangers. You pretend like nothing is wrong when so much is wrong. So much is left unsaid and misunderstood. You drift further and further apart. Unfinished business trends as even though you are together, those walls keep you separate. You cannot touch each others hearts and really connect as you used to. The pain of being seen seems huge now when before it was the only way. The pain of being vulnerable seems petrifying as you pretend day by day that you are okay. You both ignore your inner frustrations and confusions and keep pretending, taking on this new face of “whatever”. You can convince yourself that its over, but it really isn’t. You can convince the other person that you don’t care, but you do, and oh so much. So I feel like Im rambling here but writing about this helps me unravel the layers. The layers that need to be pulled back and peeled over so that I can understand, and release myself from the prison that I have trapped myself in. Pretending never seemed so difficult.

Living in Ubud

Life here in Ubud Bali is something of another nature. By another nature I mean it is simply indescribable in words, healing beyond expectation, all eye, heart and chakra opening. I never understood why so many people move here? It used to baffle me thinking of the Bali I once knew – the one in my experience that was dirty, and dangerous and too touristie. This time, living in Panastanan , Ubud with many other ex packs, I finally get it. The ease of life every day and the flow that carries you as you live and breathe the calm. The sunny mornings that make you want to get out of bed and step into the rice fields on your door step while sipping on the sweet cup of your Bali coffee. The friendly smile from the local Balinese granddad that you’re renting your villa from even if he’s encroaching on your space. A villa that for so cheap offers you more than just a tropical paradise, but a home.

I mean I know Bali is a tropical paradise, but there’s something more going on in the town of Ubud. Living here you experience touching up against nature while you brush up against entrepreneurs and digital nomads and yogis, the rich and famous from all around the globe and of course the beautiful local Balinese people and their culture. There’s a movement taking place here, a movement of journey back to self, back to source, an experiment, a beginning and a way back to nature. Something growth-inducing and all inspiring.

I open my eyes when the roosters start crowing at sunrise. This is when I stick my earplugs in deeper and snooze for a few hours. I think the days start early for most Ubudians but they do not rush to start their day and emerge late from their houses.

The day is comprised of things that are nourishing and good for you. Yoga, meditation, spiritual practice at home or just lazing in bed or sipping tea slowly. The mornings are taken slowly. There is no rush to get out of bed when tired, to jump in your car and sit in peak hour traffic moving at the pace of a metre per minute or sitting on a train full of people that look lifeless travelling to jobs they can’t stand but that pay the bills. There is no rush to be somewhere and do something all the time to feel half productive. In Ubud, you flow, you take your time, you remember to breathe.

Digital nomads here operate based on the belief that the way we work, and live, is changing and evolving. There are digital co-working spaces everywhere, or me for example sitting here every morning at the Yellow Flower Cafe. Ubud offers an eclectic electric mix of people to get together and sit alongside one another to share their thoughts and ideas. There are freelancers everywhere. We have all come here from all over the world to unite and share ideas and experience change in the way we work wherever we want, whenever we want. We have come here to escape the matrix and to be freed from a Western slavery model that keeps us stuck in a repetitive cycle. The cycle of not feeling enough no matter what material gain or financial freedom we may bear. The feeling of a complete loneliness in and amongst a wealth of a first world country. The feeling of a barren missingness when nothing attained seems ever enough or satisfying. Living in a villa in a rice field I feel more at calm and an inner contentment than I have not felt in a long time.

People here always smile at you and say hi. If you’re not working as a digital nomad or freelancing here, you’re still working on your inner health and wellbeing in many senses. The town offers so many different types of yoga which feels like the best remedial massage you could have ever received for no less than $60 back home. Meanwhile, massages here are offered in every corner starting at $3. A mecca for everything from sound healing in the Chi Pyramids to breath work, ecstatic dance, Balinese healers, astrology, reiki, naturapthy, meditation, waterfall purification and the list goes on.

Doing things that are good for you seems no choice here. This is a place where your health is valued more than your material gain. This is a place where you can live and breathe a connectedness to self and delve deeper into authentic self. A place where you can rediscover your passion and your mission because you once forgot. A place where you can come alive again, a place where you can flow again. A place that offers you a space from where you can manifest from again. Somewhere where you can start fresh again from when you once not long ago thought that you no longer could.

Maintaining your energy levels is a necessity in life. Something I stopped being able to naturally do back home comes second nature here. I think that emerging myself in this world just naturally lifts me higher, allowing me to experience life at a higher vibration.

This is a place where looking after yourself and your energy is not an afterthought or a remedy for someone who’s unwell. Doing things to improve your wellbeing is a valued, productive part of everyday life here. I have to believe that maintaining and even improving your energy over time is possible. I think it accumulates all these good feelings and lifts me higher, allowing me to go out into the world and do what I need to do with a higher vibration of energy.

Life in Ubud is also mostly centred around food. It’s so good here! I eat out all my meals everyday because cooking this food at home would cost me the same as dining out daily. So much variety from vegan, vegetarian, raw, activated, Ayurvedic, Indonesian/Balinese, Indian, Mexican, Italian, just basically everything you want and more. You pay from US $4-7 for a meal and its mostly local produce of very good quality. The food has a way of making me so happy here.

I’ve never lived somewhere where you’re so completely immersed in nature as you are in Ubud. All the elements are here from water, fire, earth, wind, it’s all here. This place is about walking on the earth in your bare feet, bare skin, bare face, there’s nothing between you and the natural world you live in. Theres no need to pack on the makeup and wear those uncomfortable heals. Theres just you and your bareness. Your raw and natural beauty immersed in and around the green all around you, exposed and not afraid to be seen.

Thinking of moving to Ubud or spending a few months here as a digital nomad? It sounds scary and overwhelming, but it really isn’t. Its so worth it I promise.

Where to start, and how to finish?

I’m starting to write an ebook. It feels awesome, but I’m a bit squeaky at it. I like the fact that I can control the publication process, eliminating the long delays of finding a publisher and waiting for my book to be printed. 

I’ve been thinking of various subject areas that I am passionate about, that I can share with an equally transpiring audience. I’ve enjoyed releasing music till now, and it’s done wonders for my subscriber numbers and traffic. I’ve received tons of comments from people about how much they liked my music and how helpful and inspiring they found it. Maybe I can now create music to a reader’s ears?!

So here I am, sitting in front of my computer and staring at the seemingly insurmountable task represented by a new writing assignment. Flashbacks of my Bachelor of Arts Degree that took place scarring me 18 years ago come before me and blind me, setting me back! How can I possibly fit any large and comprehensive topic into one e-book? Maybe the answer is that I can’t? Or maybe I can? After all, millions of precedents of authors that have successfully done so come up on my search engine here.

Like any project that deals with a topic of significant breadth, I guess an outline is required now? How do I start to develop a theme for the content? Or can it simply be disseminated throughout the piece? A million questions present themselves in my mind, and now that voice appears – “your’e not good enough”. In response I say “only the most reputable sources should be used for this content, think positive!” And now I think I have my topic of conversation for my e-book, and perhaps even a title, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”

My first book just could be dedicated to suffers of abuse as children? Now thats a topic I’m passionate about!  Somehow it will provide the  assistance people need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim their life. Drawing on two decades of abuse as a child and young person, messy relationships in my adulthood, and a decade of experience as a Life Coach, I can recognise the widespread effects of abuse and create an individualized program for self-protection, resolution, and recovery. 

As victims of abuse we become adults having difficulty overcoming feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, emotional emptiness, and sadness. We develop fears of abandonment that lead us to form unhealthy romantic relationships, as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism, self-sabotage and frustration. I think I have the first paragraph to chapter 1 of my book! Here goes!

Act like a lady, think like a man

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Ladies, be smart about who you sleep with. Be aware that if this man isn’t looking for a serious relationship, I don’t think anyone is going to change his mind just because you two are going out and spending intimate time together. You could be the most exquisite girl/woman on mother earth – but if he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he’s going to treat you like sports fish. The term “gold digger” is one of the traps men set to keep you off their money trail. They created that term for you so that they can have all their money and still get everything they want from you. Revealing that you’re a keeper is no guarantee that this man won’t walk away. Some men really are just sport fishing and have no intention of doing anything more than throwing back the women they bed. If this is the case with this man, then let him walk. He’s not the guy you’re looking for. As women I believe that we teach a man how to treat us. As women I believe that we should act with class and a higher sense of respect for ourselves in a day and age that promotes being bait for sport fishing, so that my daughter and your daughter’s have better role models. In my experience – men respect standards too – so let’s get some!

Inspiration

Today I was informed that I need to start writing on my blog again, so here I am Chris! Thank you for pushing me and giving me all the answers to the millions of questions that I had for you today! Words fail to describe or begin to explain how blessed I feel in this transition in my life. What I thought would be the most impossible thing, has become my anchor of courage. I have had the most inspiring and amazing influences in my life since this last lunar eclipse that we had on May 25th. I guess that there were several incidences before and between this period that led me to this peak and transition also. Namely, love for myself has been an ongoing struggle throughout my life. Feeling a true sense of self worth has been constant work. I can see how my perceived pain, and my perceived loss have been perfect in a very uncanny, weird, paradoxical kind of way. I feel that this is a time in my life, that because I am finally giving myself permission to focus on my own healing and allowing myself the time to do so, that I am actually on a path that feels really really really OK! And even though it is a constant back and forth struggle with the stretching of my comfort zone trying to ark me back into the known, I find myself more and more willing to discover and delve into the unknown. See, what I didn’t know, that I didn’t know, was that I am worthy to be all of myself, and that it is SO ok. I truly believe the lyrics to my song “Beautiful”, and no longer feel like a hypocrite singing the lines. It’s a really nice space to be in.

Domestic violence

Speaking up about what I went through as a child took a lot of courage. I never thought that I could one day be so open about it and share it in my music. Today I had a radio interview for East Side 89.7fm and spoke about it further. Sometimes, it takes speaking about what goes on behind closed doors to truly make a difference. I feel that its important to ask questions like “what do children need?” I know the answer from my own childhood, and it was to have a safe and secure home, free of violence and abuse, and a father that loved and protected me. But unfortunately, for too many children (boys and girls) home is far from a safe haven. Every year, hundreds of millions of children are exposed to domestic violence at home, and this has a powerful and profound impact on their lives and hopes for the future. These children not only watch one parent violently assaulting another, they often hear the distressing sounds of violence and abuse far too early on in age.

Violence against women and girls continues to be a global epidemic that kills, tortures, and maims physically, psychologically, sexually and economically. It is one of the most pervasive of human rights violations, denying women and girls equality, security, dignity, self-worth, and their right to enjoy fundamental freedoms.

Violence against women is present in every country, cutting across boundaries of culture, class, education, income, ethnicity and age. Even though most societies proscribe violence against women, the reality is that violations against women’s human rights are often sanctioned under the garb of cultural practices and norms, or through misinterpretation of religious tenets. Moreover, when the violation takes place within the home, as is very often the case, the abuse is effectively condoned by the tacit silence and the passivity displayed by the state and the law enforcing machinery.

The global dimensions of this violence are alarming, as highlighted by studies on its incidence and prevalence. No society can claim to be free of such violence, the only variation is in the patterns and trends that exist in countries and regions. Specific groups of women are more vulnerable, including minority groups, indigenous and migrant women, refugee women and those in situations of armed conflict, women in institutions and detention, women with disabilities, female children, and elderly women.

My radio interview specifically focused on domestic violence, the most prevalent yet relatively hidden and ignored form of violence against women and girls. While reliable statistics are hard to come by, studies estimate that, from country to country, between 20 and 50 per cent of women have experienced physical violence at the hands of a man. This is such a massive number of women and another reason why I feel so strongly about speaking up against it.

Website – nezerok.com

Gosh I never knew how much time and behind the scenes work went into creating a website! Here it is finally – gone live tonight – however Im still in the process of creating the itunes etc links! FRUSTRATION! 

 

Meanwhile, my heart and prayers go out to all those that are being affected in and around the Indian Ocean right now……God be with you.

Transition

My new track Transition is all about that! Transitioning…… Its all about moving on from the past and healing the wounds that I have so passionately somehow managed to hold onto over the years. Now I feel it is time to let them go. They no longer serve me. In doing so I thought the creative outlet of music could once again serve me, and came up with these lyrics together with my amazing and awesome producer Nik Felippe. Also, this track has the astounding rap vocal of S.O.X featuring in it. The first track I’ve incorporated rap into and must I say loved doing! He’s currently working on another track of mine called “goodbye” which I havnt released yet. I hope my listeners will enjoy my new track “Transition” and maybe even be inspired to do just that…transition into the areas they wish to be in….with ease 🙂

When everything is grey
Ive just gotta get away
Stop asking me to stay
I need a change of play.

Gotta keep on moving on towards the next goal
Gotta keep believing clouds will part and sunshine fill my soul

Coz i feel a transition coming on, coming on
My lifes intermission
Feeling strong, feeling strong
Im feeling invisible
Im soaring free, soaring free
Momentums unstoppable
This moment is pivitol, transitional.

The greys been forced away
And in the sun I lay
Im living out my days coz now Ive found my way.

Gotta keep on moving on towards the next goal
Gotta keep believing clouds will part and sunshine fill my soul
Coz I feel a transition coming on, Coming on,
My life’s intermission,
Feeling strong, feeling strong,
Im feeling invincible,
I’m soaring free, soaring free,
Momentums unstoppable,
This moment is pivotal,
Transitional for me.