When love fails us

When love fails us, in our perception and from a space of our wounded ego, we start to put our walls up. It is like the great towers just come up on their own. The only obvious irony here is that we simply trap ourselves. We make ourselves a prisoner inside our own ego’s. Albeit the greatest emotion of all our lives, equally the most painful is love. Your connection will trigger you in ways that you never ever thought it could. You may find your thoughts even sounding crazy if you put up a microphone, turn up the volume and listen to it’s words, pictures, stories and many scenarios. I have found that when hurt in love, most of us will retreat and as I said earlier on build those towers of protection up high. It seems easier to protect the ego than to have that confronting conversation with the one you love so much, yet cannot reach out to. It feels easier to avoid and pretend that nothing is wrong so that you can just have one more day where you can hide within yourself, trapped and fear ridden that if you were to fully express yourself, would you still be loved? Would they leave you? Would they think it was all too much? Would they be yet another one that initiated a perceived abandonment upon you? And so the days go by, which become weeks and then months and that hostility becomes your norm. You both start treating each other like you don’t care. Its as if that other person doesn’t really matter even if you made love to them all night. The next morning you are both strangers. You pretend like nothing is wrong when so much is wrong. So much is left unsaid and misunderstood. You drift further and further apart. Unfinished business trends as even though you are together, those walls keep you separate. You cannot touch each others hearts and really connect as you used to. The pain of being seen seems huge now when before it was the only way. The pain of being vulnerable seems petrifying as you pretend day by day that you are okay. You both ignore your inner frustrations and confusions and keep pretending, taking on this new face of “whatever”. You can convince yourself that its over, but it really isn’t. You can convince the other person that you don’t care, but you do, and oh so much. So I feel like Im rambling here but writing about this helps me unravel the layers. The layers that need to be pulled back and peeled over so that I can understand, and release myself from the prison that I have trapped myself in. Pretending never seemed so difficult.


Living in Ubud

Life here in Ubud Bali is something of another nature. By another nature I mean it is simply indescribable in words, healing beyond expectation, all eye, heart and chakra opening. I never understood why so many people move here? It used to baffle me thinking of the Bali I once knew – the one in my experience that was dirty, and dangerous and too touristie. This time, living in Panastanan , Ubud with many other ex packs, I finally get it. The ease of life every day and the flow that carries you as you live and breathe the calm. The sunny mornings that make you want to get out of bed and step into the rice fields on your door step while sipping on the sweet cup of your Bali coffee. The friendly smile from the local Balinese granddad that you’re renting your villa from even if he’s encroaching on your space. A villa that for so cheap offers you more than just a tropical paradise, but a home.

I mean I know Bali is a tropical paradise, but there’s something more going on in the town of Ubud. Living here you experience touching up against nature while you brush up against entrepreneurs and digital nomads and yogis, the rich and famous from all around the globe and of course the beautiful local Balinese people and their culture. There’s a movement taking place here, a movement of journey back to self, back to source, an experiment, a beginning and a way back to nature. Something growth-inducing and all inspiring.

I open my eyes when the roosters start crowing at sunrise. This is when I stick my earplugs in deeper and snooze for a few hours. I think the days start early for most Ubudians but they do not rush to start their day and emerge late from their houses.

The day is comprised of things that are nourishing and good for you. Yoga, meditation, spiritual practice at home or just lazing in bed or sipping tea slowly. The mornings are taken slowly. There is no rush to get out of bed when tired, to jump in your car and sit in peak hour traffic moving at the pace of a metre per minute or sitting on a train full of people that look lifeless travelling to jobs they can’t stand but that pay the bills. There is no rush to be somewhere and do something all the time to feel half productive. In Ubud, you flow, you take your time, you remember to breathe.

Digital nomads here operate based on the belief that the way we work, and live, is changing and evolving. There are digital co-working spaces everywhere, or me for example sitting here every morning at the Yellow Flower Cafe. Ubud offers an eclectic electric mix of people to get together and sit alongside one another to share their thoughts and ideas. There are freelancers everywhere. We have all come here from all over the world to unite and share ideas and experience change in the way we work wherever we want, whenever we want. We have come here to escape the matrix and to be freed from a Western slavery model that keeps us stuck in a repetitive cycle. The cycle of not feeling enough no matter what material gain or financial freedom we may bear. The feeling of a complete loneliness in and amongst a wealth of a first world country. The feeling of a barren missingness when nothing attained seems ever enough or satisfying. Living in a villa in a rice field I feel more at calm and an inner contentment than I have not felt in a long time.

People here always smile at you and say hi. If you’re not working as a digital nomad or freelancing here, you’re still working on your inner health and wellbeing in many senses. The town offers so many different types of yoga which feels like the best remedial massage you could have ever received for no less than $60 back home. Meanwhile, massages here are offered in every corner starting at $3. A mecca for everything from sound healing in the Chi Pyramids to breath work, ecstatic dance, Balinese healers, astrology, reiki, naturapthy, meditation, waterfall purification and the list goes on.

Doing things that are good for you seems no choice here. This is a place where your health is valued more than your material gain. This is a place where you can live and breathe a connectedness to self and delve deeper into authentic self. A place where you can rediscover your passion and your mission because you once forgot. A place where you can come alive again, a place where you can flow again. A place that offers you a space from where you can manifest from again. Somewhere where you can start fresh again from when you once not long ago thought that you no longer could.

Maintaining your energy levels is a necessity in life. Something I stopped being able to naturally do back home comes second nature here. I think that emerging myself in this world just naturally lifts me higher, allowing me to experience life at a higher vibration.

This is a place where looking after yourself and your energy is not an afterthought or a remedy for someone who’s unwell. Doing things to improve your wellbeing is a valued, productive part of everyday life here. I have to believe that maintaining and even improving your energy over time is possible. I think it accumulates all these good feelings and lifts me higher, allowing me to go out into the world and do what I need to do with a higher vibration of energy.

Life in Ubud is also mostly centred around food. It’s so good here! I eat out all my meals everyday because cooking this food at home would cost me the same as dining out daily. So much variety from vegan, vegetarian, raw, activated, Ayurvedic, Indonesian/Balinese, Indian, Mexican, Italian, just basically everything you want and more. You pay from US $4-7 for a meal and its mostly local produce of very good quality. The food has a way of making me so happy here.

I’ve never lived somewhere where you’re so completely immersed in nature as you are in Ubud. All the elements are here from water, fire, earth, wind, it’s all here. This place is about walking on the earth in your bare feet, bare skin, bare face, there’s nothing between you and the natural world you live in. Theres no need to pack on the makeup and wear those uncomfortable heals. Theres just you and your bareness. Your raw and natural beauty immersed in and around the green all around you, exposed and not afraid to be seen.

Thinking of moving to Ubud or spending a few months here as a digital nomad? It sounds scary and overwhelming, but it really isn’t. Its so worth it I promise.

Where to start, and how to finish?

I’m starting to write an ebook. It feels awesome, but I’m a bit squeaky at it. I like the fact that I can control the publication process, eliminating the long delays of finding a publisher and waiting for my book to be printed. 

I’ve been thinking of various subject areas that I am passionate about, that I can share with an equally transpiring audience. I’ve enjoyed releasing music till now, and it’s done wonders for my subscriber numbers and traffic. I’ve received tons of comments from people about how much they liked my music and how helpful and inspiring they found it. Maybe I can now create music to a reader’s ears?!

So here I am, sitting in front of my computer and staring at the seemingly insurmountable task represented by a new writing assignment. Flashbacks of my Bachelor of Arts Degree that took place scarring me 18 years ago come before me and blind me, setting me back! How can I possibly fit any large and comprehensive topic into one e-book? Maybe the answer is that I can’t? Or maybe I can? After all, millions of precedents of authors that have successfully done so come up on my search engine here.

Like any project that deals with a topic of significant breadth, I guess an outline is required now? How do I start to develop a theme for the content? Or can it simply be disseminated throughout the piece? A million questions present themselves in my mind, and now that voice appears – “your’e not good enough”. In response I say “only the most reputable sources should be used for this content, think positive!” And now I think I have my topic of conversation for my e-book, and perhaps even a title, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”

My first book just could be dedicated to suffers of abuse as children? Now thats a topic I’m passionate about!  Somehow it will provide the  assistance people need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim their life. Drawing on two decades of abuse as a child and young person, messy relationships in my adulthood, and a decade of experience as a Life Coach, I can recognise the widespread effects of abuse and create an individualized program for self-protection, resolution, and recovery. 

As victims of abuse we become adults having difficulty overcoming feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, emotional emptiness, and sadness. We develop fears of abandonment that lead us to form unhealthy romantic relationships, as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism, self-sabotage and frustration. I think I have the first paragraph to chapter 1 of my book! Here goes!

Website – nezerok.com

Gosh I never knew how much time and behind the scenes work went into creating a website! Here it is finally – gone live tonight – however Im still in the process of creating the itunes etc links! FRUSTRATION! 


Meanwhile, my heart and prayers go out to all those that are being affected in and around the Indian Ocean right now……God be with you.


My new track Transition is all about that! Transitioning…… Its all about moving on from the past and healing the wounds that I have so passionately somehow managed to hold onto over the years. Now I feel it is time to let them go. They no longer serve me. In doing so I thought the creative outlet of music could once again serve me, and came up with these lyrics together with my amazing and awesome producer Nik Felippe. Also, this track has the astounding rap vocal of S.O.X featuring in it. The first track I’ve incorporated rap into and must I say loved doing! He’s currently working on another track of mine called “goodbye” which I havnt released yet. I hope my listeners will enjoy my new track “Transition” and maybe even be inspired to do just that…transition into the areas they wish to be in….with ease 🙂

When everything is grey
Ive just gotta get away
Stop asking me to stay
I need a change of play.

Gotta keep on moving on towards the next goal
Gotta keep believing clouds will part and sunshine fill my soul

Coz i feel a transition coming on, coming on
My lifes intermission
Feeling strong, feeling strong
Im feeling invisible
Im soaring free, soaring free
Momentums unstoppable
This moment is pivitol, transitional.

The greys been forced away
And in the sun I lay
Im living out my days coz now Ive found my way.

Gotta keep on moving on towards the next goal
Gotta keep believing clouds will part and sunshine fill my soul
Coz I feel a transition coming on, Coming on,
My life’s intermission,
Feeling strong, feeling strong,
Im feeling invincible,
I’m soaring free, soaring free,
Momentums unstoppable,
This moment is pivotal,
Transitional for me.


Considering I’ve been rotting here in Melbourne for the last 3 weeks, I’ve booked my flights to Darwin where the weather is consistently 32 degrees, and where my cocktail by my resort swimming pool awaits me! Highlights include:

Day 1 The Florence Falls (opportunity to swim in the plunge pool), the Buley Rockhole and then visit Tolmer Falls for a magnificent view of the water cascading down below. Finally, to Wangi Falls for a climb to the top with Aboriginal elders.

Day 2 Im kinda over jumping Crocodiles but what the heck, why not face saltwater crocodiles close up as they leap out of the water to snatch their food!

Day 3 we will experience our tour to the Jim Jim Falls and Twin Falls which are a ‘must see’ on our Kakadu itinerary. We will travel through the savannah woodlands of Kakadu which appears lifeless, but has more fauna diversity than the Daintree rainforest. We will camp there for two days and hopefully not get eaten up by crocodiles lol.

Day 4 sunset Sailing Cruise relaxing under sail on our spacious sailing catamaran whilst watching one of Darwin’s famous sunsets sipping on some white wine.

Day 5 laze by the resort pool with tropical cocktails and some pampering.

I promise you I won’t miss you Melbourne.

Global epidemic – ADHD

How do we educate our children to take their place in the economies given that we cant anticipate how the economy is going to look next week? We are trying to meet the future by doing what they did in the past. We are alienating our kids by using this ancient education system built for the industrial revolution. Public education was a revolutionary idea. It was driven by an economic imperative at the time. Real intelligence consists nothing of academic activity! Many brilliant children think they are not because they are being judged by this model. They suffer the modern epidemic – ADHD! These kids are being medicated as routinely as we have our tonsils taken out. Our children are being bombarded with information from computers, from iphones from advertising from hundreds of tv channels. They are getting distracted from what? BORING stuff – school! These kids are being given drugs to get them to concentrate! What is going on????!?!?! This is a fictitious epidemic. We need change. We shouldn’t be putting our children to sleep to get them through the education. We should be waking them up to what is inside of themselves.


So Ive been sitting here trying to write a paragraph for my assignment for the last 2 hours or more now lol! THINK NEZ THINK! whats wrong with me? Im so distracted and just not interested! i would so much rather be in the studio right now making music with Nik, or walking along the beach on the sand in mother nature somewhere!